Let Deep Cry Out

Moving To Wordpress. Goodbye Blogger.

2009-11-24T13:54:00.003-11:00

My new website address is www.kimberlysunday.wordpress.com

I will be posting news on wordpress from now on and more often than I did on this one. I like it better! Hope to see you over there!

Random Facts And Thanksgiving.

2009-11-23T13:41:00.004-11:00

My birthday is on Thanksgiving this year. I think I am way more excited about Thanksgiving though. :o) Stuffing is my fav.

A random fact about me is that I am a quadruplet. Yep, that's right. I am one of four girls born at the same time. I don't talk about it much, not because I don't like it or don't want anyone to know, but, because I am just used to everyone knowing. That's the way it was when we were younger. But, now that we all have our own lives and live in different places and do different things we don't know the same people and I forget no one knows. Its just not something I think to tell everyone. Growing up as a quad I haven't really realized how cool of a fact that is. I've been thinking about it a lot today though since I'm getting ready to go home at the end of the week and preparing birthday gifts for them, and I am very excited about it. I don't know what I would have done growing up all by myself. We always had so much fun and always watched out for each other no matter what type of fight we might have been in. Its also pretty amazing that we all survived, and without any health problems. I'm pretty proud of it today and very excited to celebrate my birthday with 3 girls that I love so much and am so thankful for (and I'd say that even if it weren't going to be on Thanksgiving)....:o) And, of course, I love my older sister too. Its always been like she is the same age too. We might as well have been quintuplets!

Another random thing I love is my last name. I almost don't want to get married simply because I love it so much. I mean, seriously...SUNDAY. That...is....awesome.

Anyways, that is my random blog of the moment.

Happy Thanksgiving (early).

Letter From Mike Bickle AND Lou Engle

2009-11-21T10:42:00.001-11:00

Dear friends,

We stand at a critical juncture in our nation's history. It is time to encounter God and to take action. The Holy Spirit is visiting His people with power. At the same time, the powers of darkness are raging against the moral fabric of our nation. The light is getting brighter as the darkness gets darker.

Many of you will have heard of the spiritual awakening at our Bible school. On Wednesday, November 11, the Spirit fell on a class for more than 15 hours. The word spread quickly and over 2,000 people spontaneously gathered in the auditorium from all over Kansas City, as deliverance and physical healings continued to increase. We canceled our classes for the next week so that each one of our 1,000 students and interns could receive from the Spirit in an extended way.

We decided to meet nightly from 6:00pm to midnight because His manifest presence continues to increase. Visitors are pouring in from many places across America to partake of this spiritual awakening.

We will continue these evening meetings until our onething conference, December 28–31, 2009, when we are expecting 20,000 young adults to gather for worship, teaching, and to participate in the supernatural ministry of the Spirit.

Last year, over 16,000 young adults attended this conference. We are still hearing testimonies of lives that were changed. This year, we are expecting to receive even more from the Spirit. We believe that this will be a historic and important conference, and encourage you to attend.

The theme for onething'09 is "What is the Spirit saying to the Church?" Our team will proclaim what we believe the Spirit is prophetically speaking to the Church in this hour. We will also share practical ways in which we can “adopt” high schools and colleges across our nation as we envision young people to impact each sphere of society with works of justice and acts of compassion. At the conference, we will have extended ministry times to receive healing, renewal, and impartation from the Spirit. We believe that the Spirit will release His power at this conference, as evidenced by what He is currently doing in our evening meetings.

Mark Anderson, a senior international leader in YWAM who also works closely with Campus Crusade for Christ, will host forums for leaders to discuss how we can systematically evangelize entire cities and campuses in partnership with the houses of prayer in their area. Mark has remarkable insight that comes from his 30 years of successful ministry in evangelism. The Lord has given him some bold new strategies for this hour.

The crisis in our nation is real. The serpentine stranglehold of abortion continues to squeeze the life out of over 4,000 wombs daily. Sexual immorality, both heterosexual and homosexual, are reaching epic heights of perversity. The number of women and children being trafficked into the dark underbelly of the sex industry in our cities is growing at an alarming rate. Entire school systems are giving way to darkness. The sanctity of marriage is under siege, threatening to destroy the moral foundations of our nation.

We will also address the growing crisis that is emerging in many churches across America. A new wave of confusion is systematically seducing many young adults into deception. Sincere young people whose hearts were once ablaze for Jesus are being allured into compromise on foundational biblical truths and practices, while at the same time they are increasing in works of compassion and justice. No amount of increased ministry activity can “balance out” their profound spiritual compromises. In the name of tolerance, they are settling for a humanistic and "politically correct" theology that trivializes the glory of Jesus. Many young adult ministries are falling prey to this as they are seeking “relevance” that dulls the razor’s edge of truth for the sake of man’s approval. It is not enough to mention Jesus’ name if they deny foundational truths about Him. Our works of justice must flow from deep allegiance to Jesus and the Scripture.

Our nation has never stood on such a precarious footing as today. The onslaught of spiritual darkness is increasing in our classrooms, boardrooms, courtrooms, and bedrooms. We must confront the confusion that is pouring forth from many pulpits as well as from the halls of Washington. It is time to draw a line in the sand. We must hear what the Spirit is saying and we must act on it. The Spirit will confirm the truth with demonstrations of power.

It is darkest before the dawn. Our hearts are full of faith. We know another historic "Great Awakening" is soon to sweep across our nation. We look with confidence to God’s promise: “In the last days . . . I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh (Acts 2:17-21). All nations will receive the witness of kingdom with power (Mt. 24:14; Rev. 7:9). What a privilege to live in this awesome hour of history.

At this very hour, Jesus is raising up young adults who are being mobilized to cry out in night and day prayer, win the lost, heal the sick, and do works of compassion and justice as they impact the very fabric of our society.

Please join us in Kansas City from December 28–31. The onething’09 conference is FREE. You can register at http://IHOP.org

With passion for Jesus,

Mike Bickle and Lou Engle

IHOP KC Move Of The Spirit.

2009-11-15T09:53:00.007-11:00

Hey guys. There are some very cool things going on that I am witnessing at IHOP KC right now. The Spirit began to stir in the last week and has now begun to outpour on our missions base in ways it talks of in the book of Acts in the Bible. Lots of deliverances and healing going on as well as the joy of the Lord spreading. We are meeting capacity (about 2000 people) at the new building (FSM)we had to switch to, and there are several people hearing about it all over the country and traveling to get here. I've experienced this type of stuff before, but not in this big of a group setting. Its inexplainable and hard to believe at best, but experiencing this type of move of God firsthand for myself is hard to doubt. I am pumped this is happening and very excited to see what else the Lord does. Please keep the staff in your prayers for strength and grace to serve and minister while this is going on. Its going to go for AT LEAST another week. You can tune in and watch the live webstream every night from 6pm-midnight at:http://ihop.org/Groups/1000051963/International_House_of/Events/Weekends_IHOP_KC/Weekend_Services/FSM_Stream/FSM_Stream.aspx?redirected=1 May He touch your hearts and encounter you as well. God bless!

There Is Only One.

2009-11-09T10:34:00.007-11:00

Since I left the wilderness out in Ft. Mill/Charlotte South and North Carolina and have moved back to Missouri/the midwest (although here feels more like wilderness than there now that I am here-but that's a different subject all in itself), I am remembering and picking back up on something. To a great extent, my generation is all about advertising themselves. Social situations, dating type relationships, internet (myspace, twitter, facebook, blogs), the work force, etc has taught us to be boldly conceited and live in an impudent way. I have been challenged with the patience I carry in a world that looks to Hollywood and self value in order to know who they are, how to live, and what to do with their lives. Its all false identity and a misconception on who we are. First of all, we have been raised with Christ and seated in heavenly places. This world is not our home. We are of greater worth than a good "about me", large paycheck, prettiest picture, or best/funniest/most thrilling story to share. We are strangers in the earth and pilgrims headed towards a better country. Haha, a WAY better country! Its the longing inside that we feel. We are to go to the river running straight for the throne to find our joy and peace where we will meet the One who's love is for us. His love has always been and always will be for us. Nothing else will satisfy our thirst to be known and be loved. No matter who we may look better than or what image we create for ourselves with words and the "confidence" we walk in. Second, its also His beauty we are looking for. And by beholding His beauty we begin to be transformed into His likeless (that's Jesus I'm talking about!)(and the identity of Christ is who we were made to be like-as sons-to share in His glory). We are headed for the throne of God. We are made to worship. We are made to talk to Him. And we are made to honor Him and love Him. There is only One worthy of the vitality we put into our own advertisement of self. Its Jesus Christ. We need to cast our crowns and get lower and lower. He is worthy of it all.

The Father Himself Has Loved You...

2009-11-03T07:12:00.005-11:00

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."-John 14:18

The Bible says if we've seen Jesus we've seen the Father, and this is what Jesus said to His desciples.

He also said, "...the Father Himself has loved you..." in John 16:27b.

I am on a new journey that I believe is very critical for many in their walk with God, and therefore, I am writing what I can as I am at the very beginning in hopes of pointing those who are ready down the same path. Its a search, in a way, of the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ (2 Corinthians 4:6) I'm waiting for that light to shine out of my own heart as the Father, and the Bridegroom (my Jesus, my Beloved) are unjustified due to earthly situations and hurt. I want to know the truth of God and my view of Him as the Father and Him as the Son to be shifted; because, I know it is not right. I want to walk in true sonship as well. I want to walk as a true daughter who is everything He says I am and believe everything Jesus has shown us. I know it in head knowledge but I want it to touch my heart, and I want to truly believe. I ache for the day. I want to love Him rightly.

Romans 8:14-17 and Romans 8:28-39 (and really all of Romans 8) are also some verses I have been meditating on as far as this goes.

Short thoughts, I know, but the few words that can explain what is going on in my heart and the journey it is coursing itself onto by the grace of God. More words to come on the Father and His Son, my Bridegroom.

2009-11-01T05:19:00.001-11:00

Its all about love.

Father Daughter Encounter.

2009-10-29T06:49:00.003-11:00

Working in ministry, or more-so when you begin to actually walk with Christ, you begin to realize how weak you really are. No matter how long you've been in it, or how much experience you have with outreaching or ministering to people by the power of Christ, you really are just a child.

There are a couple of serious situations going on around me right now, not to mention the darkness of the world and yoke of the enemy on my peers, that just have gripped my heart. Seeing complete injustice for a child I love dearly, and heaviness and captivity to fear or depression in others I love, as well as several money problems for people I know have me wishing I had the power to "save" them. I wish that I had a way that I could personally just pull them out of the mess, the hurt, the ache, the problem. Its a good desire, I think. I see the problem and I want to fix it so I can see them happy again and free to live, but being right here where I'm at in this situation has made me realize just how little I can do and that I am only man. I have absolutely no power or even strength to deal with it all. Even if I had money or the right words or "way" for the other situations, I couldn't use them properly, or sow them to bring justice, without the wisdom of God.

I was at my dad's this past weekend and for the first time in over a year I got to see my family all together, for the most part, and just hang out with them without an agenda. I was watching my niece interact with my nephew for a while one day. She kept trying to put my nephew's binky in his mouth. She wanted to help. The thing was she couldn't do it just right. So she tried over and over again. My nephew began to get frustrated and annoyed because he didn't actually want the binky. She kept trying though because she knew what it was for and that she liked her binky. She wanted to bring my nephew into the same gratification and enjoyment that she has with her own. Her desire was good, but what she didn't see is that it wasn't helping him in the first place, and that she didn't have the right knowledge to satisfy him. My sister, my niece's mom, had to eventually interject and help her and direct her the right way.

It was so funny how the Lord just suddenly spoke to me. I want to help these situations that have been put into my presence so bad lately, but I really don't have the right way to help. As I've asked the Father for direction and wisdom, I really haven't had much response. He said so clearly, "apart from Me, you can do nothing", which is in the parable in John 15. No matter how bad I ache and hurt and desire, for the good, to see these situations made right for my friends and family, I can't. I don't have any power to do so. All I can do is go to the Father and ask for help. Otherwise, I might be more harmful than anything. It is He who will move, and it is He who's strength will be shown. The ache inside is the groan it talks about in Romans 8. All of creation waits in eager expectation for the glorious freedom of the saints to come into play.

Its like this in all situations. Even with strangers. All we can do is come with faith like a child, to the Father, and hope and pray and seek and ask and intercede on their behalf that His will might be done. The Father knows best, even when we don't understand.

So, I wait now. For these situations, and for the strangers I pray for everyday. Daddy's got it all under control.

Raising Support For A Family In Need. Please Help.

2009-10-16T04:45:00.001-11:00

Hey you all. I can't give too many details in order to protect the family's privacy, but I am trying to raise support for a mother and her family that are in serious need. They need about $2000 immediately and continued support after that until they can cover costs on their own. The funds go to help with some serious life conditions and situations. Please consider helping.

One way you can help me raise funds this month for them is to buy some of my work. I will be giving 50% of the costs of paintings, designs (drawings), and prints to the family through the end of November and 10% after that until all costs are met. Check out some of my art in my album at: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?page=1&aid=923&id=1604640057 or go to the picture link on the right side of my profile.

I will also be holding a garage sale Oct 30-31, and Nov 6-7. 100% of the proceeds will go to the family. If anyone is in KC and has anything to donate to sell please message me for more information. Times of the sale will be given in the next week.

Or you can just donate a fund straight up for the family through paypal.com by using my email: kimsunday@zhop.org (notify me so I know what the donation is for) or mail me a check to my address with a memo or note. You can message me for my address. Every $5-$10 counts so don't disqualify what you have to give!

Lastly you can pray for help. We know a God way bigger than we can comprehend.

Thank you all for your time and I hope to hear from you soon on their behalf. God bless!

Kim Sunday

Officially In Kansas City.

2009-10-09T16:12:00.004-11:00

Well, I made it to Kansas City. I was here about a day and then went down to Springfield to visit my family for a few days, and now I am back. So, I haven't gotten the chance to see a lot around here. Not having a car can sometimes leave me stranded into my own imagination of what might lie beyond the street I live on and work on. I guess that's okay. I haven't been in the prayer room much either due to having to work on the duplex I'm living in with a few friends. Its finally starting to come together though, and I am getting excited about living in this place. I am definitely noticing the difference between at least 24 hours of straight prayer and having just the momentary prayers through out my day and the hour or so here and there lifestyle instead. I don't even know what I used to do with my time before my job was to sit at His feet all day and minister to Him and others. I am ready to get back in my schedule at the house of prayer, as well as begin to serve again. I don't like my life without Him. There is a void and unsettling in my stomach. Well, I don't have much to say, because I really haven't been doing much but cleaning this place up and working to transition on staff. More next time....and hopefully sooner than later....

Wow, Two Posts In One Weekend!

2009-09-13T17:27:00.005-11:00

So, I've never actually ever payed any attention to other worship leaders and songs unless it really, really struck me. Partly because I wanted my own song with the Lord, and I don't want to be brought into a "mini someone else". I want to be me, and have the Lord bring me up I guess. Recently though I've been checking out what's out there due to leading my own 2 hour worship sets to help fill up the schedule of the ministry I work at and learn the rhythms to new songs I'm learning. I have come across a couple that have just left me in awe. Not of their musical talent, or voice, or songwriting, but because of the heart, or the Spirit flowing, that I experience. I have come to the fact that I don't know Jesus at all. And I have no idea how to worship. Its always seemed the closer I get, the farther I feel away, just because of realizing exactly how big He actually is, but tonight I sit here and I am just, well, in pain really. I don't know why God has put me on a stage with a guitar, and even leading others, to praise Him. There is something that has led me to jealousy. I want to know His love for me. Like really know His love. I guess I want to understand it. I know His real, and I know what He's done for me, but I need a real revelation of this real love. I want to literally see the fire in Jesus' eyes, and I want to feel His jealousy for me. I want to see His face. I want to KNOW Him. Everyday. Every moment. I've got an ache inside for this. I feel as though I don't know Him at all. And I'm in desperation. I want to know the love He has for me so I can give Him that love back. If only I could love Him the way He loves me.

In Like A Lamb, Out Like A Lion!!

2009-09-12T16:40:00.009-11:00

I am finding in my studies lately the authority of Jesus Christ. I am finding my confidence in the Lord. Though little, I am finding a zeal by the Word of God for the coming day of the Lord, and to see life brought forth in this world by the power of His name and authority. I guess one would find that by meditating on Isaiah, the books of Corinthians, Romans, and Revelation as well as Galations, Ephesians, and Phillipians. I'd say I am happy with what the Lord is showing me as I close out my journey with ZHOP over the next 2 weeks and transfer to IHOP.

....Jesus has already overcome. He has already overcome! And by this we can be an overcomer. As His life, His Spirit, in all of its glory and holiness, is strengthened and let loose inside of us and allowed to guide us. Its a miraculous and holy thing. Jesus went in like a lamb and came out like a lion. He is the conqueror. He has already won the victory. He has made a way. Now all we have to do is follow Him and partner with the will of the Father. Taking on the death, as He did the flesh, and letting all that is mortal be swallowed up by life as it bursts from the inside of us outward. We have to be on the alert putting on our armor daily as we are part of an army the Lord is raising up; for, the devil prowls around like a lion, but he is not. All the devil has is the ability to recreate and imitate what the Father has already made. He is a liar, a thief, and will find Himself burning in coals of sulfur for eternity. The true lion is Christ. Oh how great it is that He is God! He is our God and King! The one true living God. He is our leader. He is for us. He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. And nothing can separate Him from us. Absolutely nothing. He is leading His sheep in triumphal procession spreading about His sweet fragrance through us. We must remain silent in our own will and putting to death the sinful nature, in order to be silent before our shearers as He was before His, and walk in the portion of the inexplainable love and grace He gives us. Its through humility His power is shown. Its through our weakness His strength comes. Its through listening and following that He is able to bring forth His will, for every word will come to pass and will not return void. Let us all join together in one voice, one faith, under one God in order to bring our Bridegroom back. Lets make a way for the true lion to roar from Zion! I want to hear "the rhythm of the lion of the tribe of Judah". I really, really do. Its only by following in His way that we can find it. Its only by walking out in righteousness. His ways are higher. His ways are holy! He sees the unseen, and knows all of eternity's place. He is the Alpha and the Omega. I will follow in His ways.

He was silent before His shearers, but He's coming in authority! He will not remain silent, and He will not leave His bride. Let the alarm be sounded. No weapon formed against those who carry His name and are marked by Him shall prosper as the love of Christ surrounds us as a wall. Let the banner be raised to the nations. May they plot their plans and make known their strategy, but they will not stand for God is with us! Hallelujah.

Big News

2009-09-05T09:26:00.007-11:00

Zhop Charlotte will be closing and moving to IHOP in Kansas City, Missouri by October 17th. After much prayer, the ministry feels as though its assignment has been completed here. There are a few that feel the call to stay and continue to pray and outreach to this city, or even are being called somewhere else, but there will no longer be the title of "ZHOP Charlotte". The majority of the staff feels to transition to IHOP. I will miss being here, but I feel an excitement and joy for where the Lord is leading me, and those on staff. We feel as though it is a celebration time for finishing well here and moving to the next season.At IHOP we will be doing a lot of the same stuff we do now, with 50 hours in our schedules at the house of prayer, but the base is much larger and will have many more, diverse things we can become a part of, schooling we can take, and outreach programs we can get involved in. We will also still be living off funding so monthly funders or one time donations are still welcome. :o)

You can check IHOP out at http://www.ihop.org/

Thank you to all who have supported us, and me on a personal basis, while out here. Please continue to keep the staff in your prayers as we make the transition.

If you are interested in supporting me in funding, please message me for more details. Or you can do so securely through paypal.com by using my email kimsunday@zhop.org.

Thanks again. God bless!

Hey Ya!!

2009-08-22T05:42:00.002-11:00

Um, I think I'm really bad at blogging all of a sudden. Oops.

Things have been kind of crazy lately. There has been a lot of stuff going on.

I woke up at 3am the other day to leave with some friends at 4am to go to a grand opening of a chick-fil-a. You couldn't start lining up until 6am (24 hours in advance). If you were one of the first 100 customers there they would give you 52 free number 1 coupons. We made it there in time for about 150-200 people there to be entered into a raffle (that's how many people were there at 6am). We had 6 out of 9 of our people get in, so we spent the 24 hours there and ended up splitting all of the coupons and going home with 35 free meals each. We went for the free food, but ended up leaving with so much more. Our group was so diverse, no one really hangs out all the time together so we didn't know what to expect, but we all had so much fun and lots of bonding time. We worshiped, sang the scriptures, prayed, and talked about the bible and what the Lord is doing in each of our lives the whole time. And people kept flocking to our tent area. We got to pray and prophecy over one kid, and he kept bringing other people he met in the parking lot there. We even met a kid from Jerusalem and learned a lot. Altogether the whole one day felt like a week long event and I actually kind of miss it, as well as everyone else who went. The Lord really met us there by His spirit. We are all going to another one in October again, and I can say in confidence I think its more so for the experience again, rather than the free food (although it is a major plus!) Thank you Lord.

We also currently have a conference going on this weekend called the Holy Revolution conference. I'm actually on lunch break right now for it and will be back in about an hour. We have speakers Corey Russell, Dale Hill, Kirk Bennett, and worship leader/speaker Jake Hamilton. Maaaaaan, this conference is going great! I don't really have words for it yet. All I know is the Lord's just really hitting my heart and many others. I am excited for the rest of it! I suggest you get online and order the teachings because I don't think I'll be able to speak what these voices and messengers are speaking right now. It is powerful and straight from the Lord.

Alright, better go. Hope all is well and you are encountering the Lord in fresh ways. Keep the faith...."I don't want to survive, I want to LIVE"-Jake Hamilton quoting Wally.

To Call Out

2009-08-11T17:44:00.005-11:00

Its 1:06am and all I can do right now is sit on my bed and wish I could let the Spirit within me groan in song to let all of the frustrations from the day, and thankfulness for the Lord's goodness and unchanging, unceasing lovingkindness come out. Its the only way I can ever really release the cry.

Its times like these I miss having my own place. To sing and play guitar until the wee hours of the morning and let all of what's inside come out. Oh to call out to my Father, and Beloved, until I couldn't anymore, exactly when I need to do so, in the times I used to sing about boys and relationships full of aches.

He is so much more worthy of my song.

I Want To Lose All That I Am.

2009-08-07T15:57:00.007-11:00

All I want to do is lose all that I am to be in the presence of the Lord all the time.

I am feeling so weak lately.

I can not do anything without Him.

It is only by Him that I am anything, the little anything that I am.

I can do nothing apart from Him.

I am so weak.

I am a mess.

And, I miss Him when I don't hear Him, when I don't feel Him near.

Like, it really drives me crazy.

I just want to be right before Him.

I have to remember that if I don't feel Him, see Him, or hear Him that its not always because I might have done something wrong.

I wish I could be lost in Him.

To be so lost I couldn't possibly ever find my way out.

And I want to see the world get lost with me.

And not for my sake.

Its not about me.

But because He wants it.

Because He deserves it.

Its about love.

Its all about Him.

I just want to be right before Him, in Him.

I want to be ready for when the storms come.

I want to be strong in Him.

Oh, I don't want to waver!

I want to pray and see the answer.

I want to see His power come by the proclamation of His name.

With just one word His power to strike down like in the beginning of creation.

I want to see a people crying out for Him.

I want to see my family and friends and the people I am meeting not hurting anymore.

I want to see them with understanding.

I want understanding.

I want us all to just let go.

I want us to really know Him.

I want us all to really walk with Him.

A multitude set apart for Him.

Ever praising Him with joy.

I want to love, so that I may love Him rightly.

All of the time.

I wish I could love the way I want to love.

I wish I could love the way I need to love.

Abandoned in a way that He is blessed in everything, in all of me.

Its all I can give Him.

I just want to be obedient.

I want to show Him His worthiness in my life.

The Lord is GREAT and WORTHY OF PRAISE.

He's worthy of abandonment for praise.

Joyful And Restful First Week.

2009-08-04T18:25:00.008-11:00

Since I can't sleep I figured I would write a quick update.

Things are going pretty well here. The new building is great. The Lord is definitely meeting us there with joy and rest.

He's been teaching me a lot about how rest and grace are available all of the time, even in the wilderness, just because He chose us to receive. Because we are in the wilderness, or some maybe not in the wilderness, we aren't taken away from the opportunity to rest. We can rest. We can enter in. Its available because of the grace we have. We are always able to enter into it, we just have to believe and do so. It talks all about it throughout the Bible, but the main verses I can't get away from, as far as this subject goes, are Romans 9:30-32a. It says, "What then shall we say? That the Gentiles, who did not pursue righteousness, have obtained it, a righteousness that is by faith; but Israel, who pursued a law of righteousness, has not attained it. Why not? Because they pursued it not by faith but as if it were by works..." I mean, just reading that should put us, who have been grafted in at the mercy of the Lord, into thanksgiving.

Righteousness is being right with God. Faith is a gift. He gives us faith to believe we are right before Him, of course by the name of Jesus Christ and through Him only, and saved by grace. So if we believe, we believe we are forgiven and loved by the Father, and should have a confidence then in drawing near to the throne because He understands we are sinners, He knows we are going to mess up already, but at the same time He's not here to count our mistakes or expect us to fall, or to hurt us, but to love us and be with us for eternity. He is for us and able to help. (Hebrews 4)

Its just so great. Hard to actually take into play, not that we have to do anything, but still so good.

Besides all that, finances are tight, and I'm feeling quite the crunch. I am selling paintings for funding. Check them out on my direct link under "pictures" to the right of this entry. If you have questions or are interested in any of them, or having something done specifically for you, or just want to fund me, email me at kimsunday@zhop.org.

Big Moving Day.

2009-07-28T13:54:00.007-11:00

Today was moving day at ZHOP. I was there for about 9 hours, while others were there for even longer. It took a lot to move from such a big building, to the small place we have now. We were moving stuff to storage, houses, trash, and the new building, and of course cleaning in order to leave the place extra nice for the ministry that is moving in after us. I'm not going to lie, last night I was not looking forward to the big moving day today. I didn't have a good attitude about it, and even this morning the start to my morning didn't go as planned. I woke up late, barely had time to eat, and got there half an hour later than I was supposed to. It was so great though. The minute I walked into the building there was joy and peace in my heart. The whole day was so delightful even in all the labor we had to do, blisters, and aching feet and muscles. A lot of people have been called to other places in the last half year, it feels as though the ministry is losing ground, a lot of funding has been cut out, and everything is changing, but today I realized that its not really about what it looks like. Its all about the people and the heart of the Lord in all this. My favorite moment of the whole day was watching the curtains being taken down from around the stage with the director of the internship I went through while there was still an acoustic set going on. I believe it was a set up from the Lord for me to be standing right where I was as they tore it apart. All of what we do here was brought to my eyes in that one to two minutes. It was so sobering to watch all of the commotion of the movement of boxes and furniture and stuff from other rooms being brought through the prayer room with no chairs and no people, and the stage being torn down while there was still worship and praise ever lifting before the Father, the throne that we cannot see in the natural. There was something so surreal about all of this. It wasn't about the fact that there was a set going on during the move, but a symbol to me of how eternal this is. I realized we're all still in this, together, and its all about the Lord and what He is doing in us. Nothing can take it from us. He is the Rock that is higher than I, and He's got something planned that we can't even see right now, and that cannot be shaken or waver. I couldn't help but just stand there and watch, and smile, and give thanks for being able to be a part of something so real, and for all of what we have in just a guitar strum and vocal chords singing scripture back to the Lord. There is something so solid about it, unchanging, and eternal. There is a mighty work going on. Even if someone were to take our instruments, they couldn't take the new song He's put in our mouths. There is a confidence I have that is inexplainable, and a value I have in this specific part of the journey we, as ZHOP, are on right now. I'm excited and curious to see exactly what the Lord is doing in the midst of us. It really isn't about where we are, the number we are, or what words we have to say. Its all about Him, and His will, and a flame in our hearts set ablaze by His word and His love that cause us to be in unity with Him.

We're living for another country that is to come. (Hebrews 11)

...Onto the next season...

What We're Praying For.

2009-07-20T17:54:00.009-11:00

Some friends and I rode the light rail into Uptown Charlotte tonight right after leaving a meeting of zealous people mingling together and sharing testimonies of what the Lord is doing. Something was different than the last time I rode. It was like my eyes were completely opened to every single person riding. You know how sometimes someone sticks out to you that you know is dealing with something, and you want to be there for them, have the right words for them, hug them, love them, and see them okay again before you leave? Well, it was like that, but it was everyone. It was crazy, overwhelming, and kind of scary. It seemed like everyone who hopped on and off of the light rail was just weighed down, oppressed, unsatisfied, hopeless, and just plain burnt out by life. I could almost literally see it in everyone. There was no expression of joy, rest, praise, thankfulness, hope, or satisfaction even in a smile or laugh that was heard. I couldn't help but pray a lot of the time in silence for every face I saw. It sounds so cliche and "sunday school", but it made me want more than I used to enjoy when going into the "big and exciting" city for the night away, or more than just me and the people I'm with to walk the city and enjoy it. I couldn't even think about what I wanted. Instead of wanting to explore the area on my time off and goof off, I wanted nothing more than the people to know the heart of their Creator, behind the clouds and dreariness of what is seen. I wanted to see the whole place completely transformed by perfect love instead of find a new art museum, retro coffee shop, or sweet clothing store. Its not enjoyable when the ones we meet aren't walking in joy and rest and experiencing the love of the Father. Even now as I write this the desire is still here inside of me to see it happen. What would it be like to go to Uptown and not feel like we stopped hearing testimonies and stopped encountering the joy and rest and love through others that can only come from the throne room; and, not for our sake, but for the sake of others who cross paths with them, and for Jesus' name and power of love to truly be shown. Would that be "the fullness"? Would that be a city transformed and carrying "the face of Christ"? Would He, and us, be able to rest because there was no more transformation that was needed? I guess that's what we're here praying for...hmph...anyways, all in all the bustling streets that once fascinated me with all the options of diversity from my normal lifestyle at my feet didn't seem so satisfying anymore; all I wanted to do was just find a simple place to recruit to and sit and enjoy the company of those I had come with in order to find rest. Eventually, thankfully, another friend drove into Uptown and met us, and we ended up going to a new area of Charlotte, so we didn't ride the rail back. As we were driving back we approached a storm the closer we got to home. It was a beautiful and glorious way to end the night with the natural dancing light beams of explosive power revealing the sillouettes of clouds hidden by the fallen night. I'd say it far outdid the light rail in all of its wonder, hints, and provoking appeal for greater things. It was a sweet gift from the Lord to let me fall back and rest in the knowledge of His beauty that still exists around us. And the hope that comes from that for this city.

Even now, I'm listening to soft roles of thunder. Wonderful.

G'nite.

Bliss.

2009-07-14T12:12:00.007-11:00

"Only to sit and think of God,

Oh what a joy it is!

To think the thought,

To breathe the Name,

Earth has no higher bliss."

-Fredrick W. Faber

Brilliant, Blinding Conforming Process.

2009-07-10T04:57:00.015-11:00

Because the eternal Himself longs to dwell in fullness, the shackles are undergoing the first stages of breaking. Sudden daylight is winking through a breathing hole pierced by the weight of truth in order to flow in divine, factual dreams and visions giving way and life to the holy scriptures which will cause the darkness, that was given rise by the "wise" but immature in earth's theology and ideas, to be overwhelmed and become extinct. After a current, needed, and perfect delay a pure, sincere wholehearted being will be brought forth in an exceptional, electric glow. She's in store for the finale of life delegated by mortals holding power, weak as it is, as she'll join in unison, on count, with the words spoken in rhythm of the King's heart. A holy nation will become one with the Holy. All this once regarded as unlikely to happen according to the undeveloped, uninformed, unbelieving mass of minds. They've been forced to be stationed in imagination and misguided into the way of falsehood by the gravity of the condition and appearance of that which we recognize as the only share there is to this life. Hopelessness, the faithless, and embracing momentary delight have become a blockade between reality beyond the eye's perspective and the paved streets we laid for our feet to walk on, which was actually always meant to be the rock, or the Word. Which, being rooted and grounded as a tree in a tender loving covenant's promise through ink and pages binded together is way more concrete than that which we are capable of developing with our hands and knowledge. Senses are opening to allow the face intended from everlasting to convey that which has been exempt by man's own created will. Direct, intense influence from the everlasting is traveling in for the order placed regarding the transformation in store for hearts to comply with His authority in the time that is transporting out of the frame we have placed it in. Faithful ones becoming a substance as they hold an unforgettable instance of eternity's breath in the repeats section of their collecting mind. Its God's gift in allowing a sneak peak through what's beyond this box our fleshly forefathers have placed us in and what we hardly know better than to teach the generation that comes after us. We must remember works of old, encounters, testimonys, and swim in the rays of light coming through the breathing hole letting it cause life to burst from the inside of us and pierce through all the darkness around us. Its called partnership, or submitting. By allowing it to become a part of us and letting it interfere with our surroundings by the inexplicable, fascinating, form of reflection. That's a double portion of glory. Its not necessary for the God of all creation to talk to us in the first place, but the fact that His words, or even just a single word, can change the atmosphere if we permit the leeway. Let there be no restraint for the Spirit to do His work. Let there be no hindrances to join in.

All creation will groan, along with the eternal, will cry out in one voice for the just and righteous Judge, JESUS CHRIST, to reign in all authority on the earth forever. This is truth. (Romans 8:19-27) (Revelation 19)(Revelation 22:17)(All of Revelation 22)

Until then we are subjected to a brilliant, blinding conforming process by grace, mercy, and blessing.

Euphoric in all it's pain.

ZHOP Update

2009-07-08T06:52:00.010-11:00

There are a lot of changes going on with ZHOP. Suddenly. No wonder God's been talking to me about faith so much lately.

In a stream of a month or so there has been a few major announcements. On May 30 we were told we would be moving from 24/7 prayer and worship to 12 hours a day in order to "strengthen what was left". A lot of our strong worship leaders over the last 6 months have been called to other places so there were very few left who were equipped to fill their spots, and a lot of those left, like myself, who couldn't just be thrown into a spot on stage and know what to do in order to lead a whole team, if there were enough people available to make a team. There is also so much more to this place than the music and prayer room, although it is the root, that needed people to be trained in order to continue on. There are several departments and things for the city that ZHOP carries. So the older ones needed resting time, I guess you could say, and we needed time to be brought into a place that we could do this too. Now, that doesn't mean we all aren't still living a lifestyle of 24/7 prayer but only that we closed the door to ZHOP for a short season after 8pm and opened it at 8am, in order to consolidate everyone, build community, and strengthen the staff.

The second announcement was that the senior directors of the house and 3 out of 4 of the vision team announced the day before yesterday, July 6, that they were all being called to move in August and December to other places by the Lord. We have a new director of the house, the one leftover from the vision team, and who foreran ZHOP 3 years before the 24/7 building opened.

Along with all of that, we are moving into a new building by the end of this month (July), due to the property we are on being bought out.

What does this mean for ZHOP? We keep going. Some may leave while the rest stay, but the house will keep fighting for 24/7 prayer and worship and ministry to the Lord and outreach to the city of Charlotte, as well as seeing a culture of life in America and through the nations, revival in Israel, Hannah's and Samuels, and other visions that have been put into place by God.

How am I dealing with all of this on a personal level, and what is the Lord leading me to do as it is a pivotal point for the house's staff? Well, the Lord put the question in my heart after Christmas whether or not to move back home in August, when I go home for my sister's wedding, which i didn't tell many about simply because i didn't want man's voice in it, but strictly the Lord's. I have asked more than I can count why August and not June, when my dad got married. It didn't make sense to me to come back to Charlotte for a month and a half. As this summer got closer, the question of whether to go home or not got more and more heavy on my heart. I didn't understand it. I knew it would be hard no matter whether the Lord told me to stay or go. Its been really hard being here as I miss and love my family so much, and hate being away while there are SO many things going on right now with them, but love ZHOP so much, and have never felt God so strongly here and felt so "called" to anything. I was completely torn. The time to go home for a visit in June was nearing and there was still no answer from the Lord, so I prayed extra hard knowing I needed an answer now, and knowing the Lord likes to wait until last minute to answer any question. That's how He works..."suddenly". I only had more and more guesses and ideas as to why I was supposed to go home but still no answer the week I was supposed to hop on the plane so I was frustrated knowing I would have to look for a place and job in Springfield while there if I were to move in August. I asked the Lord for definite signs that I was supposed to come back, and suddenly from the time I stepped into the airport to the plane ride home the Lord encountered me in so many different ways, intensely, and everything I asked the Lord to do, He did above and beyond what I had asked for. He blew my mind with the signs that I was supposed to come back and He spoke through several people as well. He confirmed my position here. So, long before these announcements even took place, the Lord put the question in my heart as to whether or not I was supposed to come back after my sister's wedding, answered that I was supposed to stay and was meant to be here after August. So as far as whether or not I am one to stay here or go, I am sure the Lord has told me to stay. Which I am thankful for. He was kind to put that question in me before this and answer it so I'm not in confusion during all the sudden turning direction and leadership of the Lord. Although in shock still as to the news, I know the Lord has us in His hand, a plan for this house, and is just doing some rewiring.

I had a dream last week sometime. In the dream I was talking about ZHOP to two men and the guy just started laughing at me and saying, "It looks like ZHOP is closing down". The thing is, in the dream, I knew that it was an attitude and perspective I had been forewarned about and was expecting to encounter as I continued in ministry at ZHOP so I just sat back and continued praying for this place and leaning on the Lord's word and not man's opinion. I didn't understand the dream when I woke up and as I've asked the Lord about it over the last week I was still confused, and really tried to ignore it, but after the meetings we've had over the last couple of days I now understand. It does look like ZHOP is closing and it is really the only thing that is expected in an outsider's view of the kingdom. I know that those words and types of perspectives are going to be thrown at us, we're going to be called crazy, and I don't disagree with what it looks like either. BUT, I know far more in my spirit than what the natural eye is seeing and what my flesh knows, and I will stand and live and believe and hope and fight for far more. Its not a time to listen to man's opinion (which includes what our very own flesh and mind's and heart's are telling us) or look at what's going on in the natural, but to trust in Him and what He is saying....to follow God and God alone.

Water Lilies In The Midst Of War.

2009-07-05T03:21:00.006-11:00

First of all Happy late 4th of July to everyone. I spent the night with a bunch of friends in a parking lot watching fireworks from the baseball stadium in Charlotte while having loads of people all around, some playing country music loud enough from their stand points for us to hear. It felt a lot like some Missouri nights and made me smile upon the situation and feel like I was home. I hope everyone else had a marvelous holiday filled with lots of laughter and sweet memories, food, and things to blow up!

The Lord is still speaking to me about faith. Yesterday I was painting in the back of ZHOP while a lady was leading a set there. Her antiphonal cycle was out of Revelation 1:5a-"and from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness....". Not only is He one who saw the Father and was a witness to the faithful walk as His Son, because He walked it out Himself in the flesh as we are to do so, but He TESTIFIED only of His Father. Meaning, He said only what was true about the Father, He spoke only what He heard, He came only to do the Father's will, and He did only what He saw the Father doing. I never looked at it as a testifying walk. Only as one who viewed. Its goes along with letting the kingdom come down and arise on the inside of us to let the glory of the Lord and His presence be manifested on this earth. Its walking by faith. The walk of faith is a walk of testifying of what we hope for and are certain will come in the midst of trial.

I was at the art museum in Kansas City a couple of weeks ago and the lady I was with and I did an audio tour. I don't know if you've ever done this, but I suggest it! It was a lot of fun and so much easier to enjoy the paintings as the audio headphone set was played with explanations of the painting, as well as information and history. We got lost for 3 hours in that place and only went through like half of it! Anyway, I came across Monet's "Water Lilies", and of course, being a huge fan of his work as he played a huge role in the Impressionist Movement, I had to check out the audio. It said that most of his "water and lilly painting obsession" was done during World War 1 in his studio while he focused on the pond just outside his window while he worked on painting light's movement on water. As he painted there were bombs and gun shots going on in the distance. I couldn't help but imagine myself in the day and time while at the museum, and then again this week as there are tons of fireworks all around. I mean seriously, in the midst of a war, would I be able to be filled with such peace, joy, and contentment, by the Holy Spirit and the joy set before me, that I wouldn't be sitting, worrying, doubting, and in fear? Would I be able to bring the beauty of God into view and give glory to the Lord through artwork and song in the midst of war as a believer? Now, I don't know if Claude Monet was a Christian, although he has records of being baptized, but it made me think quite a bit for myself and other believers in this generation.

On a side note and completely off the subject, I have a couple prayer requests. Today is the first day of Camp David. We are going to have lots and lots of teens with us from all over the place for the next two weeks who are coming just for the Lord! And, tomorrow morning my nephew, Ryder Lee Bryant, is scheduled to be born by c-section (duno how to spell that). I am so zealous to pray for this as he has been diagnosed with Spina Bifida and Hydrocefelous. I am super bummed I can't be there myself, but am doing what I can and praying. A lot. Please join with me if you can and pray for Camp David and hearts to encounter God, and a safe delivery of my nephew. Thank you so much. God bless!

Faith Is A Substance.

2009-07-01T10:56:00.007-11:00

The Lord and I went on a "walk/bike ride/find a spot to sit and talk for a while" today. We haven't had one of those in a while. At least 3 weeks. And with the new schedule, it doesn't look like we'll be having them as much as we used to. But today I got to. And the couple of hours was so sweet. He talked to me a lot about faith and listening.

Hebrews 12:2 is what He spoke in the beginning of our time. It says, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

First of all it says He is the author and perfecter of our faith. Meaning, He spoke it into existence and then perfected it, or finished it, in order that there may be no problem or need for improvement. Our faith is perfect, or eligible to be once obtained.

Second it says for the joy set before Him He endured the cross, scorning its shame. He rejected the shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God, the Father. In all the dishonor, in all the humiliation, in the unfortunate situation He chose joy instead of shame while walking by faith. While being put to death, He dismissed any feeling that the flesh was telling Him knowing what was to come, believing for it, and therefore walking in a higher way, joyfully, and calling on the Father at all times.

As I was reciting the Hebrews 12:2 verse the Lord just kept saying "substance". It says somewhere else in Hebrews that faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. He just kept saying, "Faith is the substance. Faith is a substance." What?? I mean, really? That means faith is tangible. Its within reach. A real physical matter. What is the substance? Its got to be something right here. Its got to be in us. Something very, very real inside of us. Something that's not questionable, something right before us that can not be doubted. At least for me. I know if I haven't experienced something for myself, then I don't believe in it, no matter what it is.

After speaking to me about substance the Lord then reminded me of a friend's video blog I watched yesterday. She was talking about the kingdom of God being in us. I've heard it a million times but it never really became real to me until now. I mean, the kingdom of God is in us. The joy that was set before Jesus, the very thing that He kept His eyes on while He was enduring such pain and the very thing that was so worthy for Him to go through the cross is in us.....she said, "let it arise, let the glory arise."

So, I'm having a hard time putting it all together, or I guess its just taking a while to sit in, even as I type this blog, but I think I'm starting to get maybe a very, very small, tiny bit of a fraction of what He was saying in all this. Or I guess what He was getting me to ask. "What does faith look like?" It looks like someone stepping out without seeing or knowing what will happen. The step is the substance that there is something worth stepping out for. Its the substance of something greater that will meet our hope. I mean without someone stepping out and telling another that they were going to pray for them and they will be healed, no one would be healed. And without missionaries stepping out in a lifestyle of "faith" in order to do the Lord's work, no one would see the Lord providing for anyone....or at least the provision for His glory. Without someone speaking something, in the name of Jesus, He would never be able to answer the prayer. I mean, it might happen just because the Lord is good, but He wouldn't be able to give it in response to a hope, or a belief, that He is good and would give or make happen if we just asked. How is the Lord going to encounter someone unless they are waiting, hoping, asking, believing for it?

There is a building of faith that occurs. For the person stepping out and the onlooker or person who experiences the outcome. Its almost like an addition problem and faith being the outcome. Faith is a substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen. It can only be faith if the problem includes the Father's touch in bringing the outcome. Otherwise, its man's doing.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for. Faith is the evidence of things seen. So we must attain the hope, and then step out and act on it. And as He judges that which is not right, and brings the rising of of His power to bring the answer to the prayer and walk of faith, we will find joy and the Father in the end. This is why we endure the putting to death of the flesh and all the doubts, fears, and mind games it plays, because there is joy for others, there is joy for us, and most of all there is joy and glory due the King, the author and perfecter of our faith, who is the only reason we are able to walk this faith out. He finished it all already. We just have to listen and act and believe.

Faith is a substance. That's awesome.

Let the kingdom arise among the faithful ones.

Summer Count Down

2009-06-29T16:40:00.006-11:00

Still such a busy summer ahead!

-6 days from today and my nephew Ryder will be in this world! I am praying so hard for him as he has been diagnosed with spina bifida and hydrocefelous. There has been some recovery since the diagnosis, and high hopes are in the air, but I'm still believing for full healing by the power of God! Not that he would be loved any less if nothing else changed, or even so if nothing changed from the beginning, but, it would be awesome to see my nephew walk in a testimony of healing and bringing glory to the Lord through it. I'm sad I won't be there for the birth, but I am so excited with the knowledge he will finally be here. I will be able to see and play with him in August. Anyways....6 days!!!!! Woohoo!!!

-6 days until Camp David starts. I will be a counselor at this teen camp we are holding here. That means I will be with them from 8am to 9pm. And of course, for any last minute needs in between. :o) I am soooo excited to see what the Lord has in store for these kids and am thrilled I get to be a part of it. I'm ready to watch these few encounter Him.

-Exactly two months from today another one of my sisters is getting married! I'm really excited to get all dressed up and dance the night away with friends and family again in celebration to her finding a great man she loves.

-Just before the wedding we have another conference here at ZHOP. Which, normally, I'm not a huge fan of conferences. They are fun, usually firey, and there's lots of people, but for some reason, there's something about them I don't like too much. BUT, I am excited for this one because Corey Russell will be speaking and I have heard nothing but good about him. I can't wait to finally be able to listen to the message he carries.

Alright...I think that's it. I just got to thinking tonight and was so excited for the rest of what the summer had to hold. I was bursting with joy and had to write.

I hope everyone is having a blessed summer themselves and has lots more in store with those they love and Jesus!

God bless.

New Season

2009-06-24T08:05:00.006-11:00

As ZHOP transitioned, I feel like the Lord is transitioning me, personally, into a new season. I didn't expect it at all. Its been a really rough half of a year here for me, in several ways. I know we are all "in the wilderness" and always having a rough time and moving with a blindfold over our eyes, but there's been something telling me these last few days that I was having a harder time then than I will this next season. Maybe it was a tough season because I knew that I had left everything I knew, my family, and an expected type of lifestyle for an indefinite period of time in the wilderness, instead of just for a 5 month internship. Maybe it was just a season of testing and trial with the Lord. Either way, all I know is something has been different since I've been back in town. Something in my heart. Something in my being. I've been able to tolerate this lifestyle defenselessly and without having to overcome my mind and flesh talking. It takes way less effort and choice, but its more of who I am. Maybe because the Lord spoke while I was home, and I absolutely positively know that I had to come back, because there's absolutely positively no other way except to follow Him. I know its not about me out here, which is why I was able to look ahead and make it through the last season, although at my worst sometimes, by knowing that there was glory for the Son of God in all this, but man, I am happy to be heading into a more enjoyable time. The harder times are great, because they grow us and mature us in the Lord, but I think everyone could and would say that its a great feeling to know you are heading into a lighter weighted season. And that's what this is. Maybe because of a lot of healing in my heart that was done last season. I don't know. Lots of maybes. All I know is there has been something so much more enjoyable, so much sweeter, in my daily walk thats more than just a good week or return hello after being gone for a little while. I don't know how to explain it except that it seems this is definitely a new time for me, refreshing and good. I can feel it in the air, and I'm excited about it.

On a side note, its definitely not 8:05am here in Charlotte right now, but that's what my posting time is saying on this blog. Does anyone know what time zone to set this in?

In Charlotte.

2009-06-21T03:54:00.005-11:00

I've been having the weirdest time since I flew in last night saying that I'm back "home", because for the last 10 days while in Kansas City, Joplin, and Springfield Missouri I've been "back home". Haha. Hmmm. Maybe my home is just where the wind blows me like I was talking about in my last blog. Anyway, I just woke up back in Charlotte, and I'm about to head to my shift in the prayer room in a few hours. The Lord was so near on my trip the WHOLE time, almost stronger than I feel Him here sometimes, so I don't feel like I'm about to go "meet" with Him. He's already here. Of course, maybe it was more easily recognizable there since it wasn't expected. It says that He is always with us, never leaves, but sometimes you just feel Him stronger helping you to believe more easily. I had a hard time leaving "home", but the Lord definitely confirmed I was supposed to be here over vacation in ways I asked, so I knew I had to leave. I'm ready to go back at this strong and see what the Lord wants for me here in this season. I'm excited to ride my bike too. :o) I didn't think I'd miss it as much as I did. Anyways, this is just a blog to let you all know I landed safely and am back..."here".

Let's do this.

Lots Of Words (Again) As Time Frames (Again) And My Heart Waits To Bind.

2009-06-19T17:49:00.031-11:00

I think it will always be hard to say goodbye no matter who you're leaving or where you're going. We've all been saying goodbye since we can remember, and I think we will continue to until death ceases us in the natural forever. But why does it seem to get harder and harder to say goodbye the better and better we get at it?

People die. People move. People find the greener grass on the other side. It hurts. It leaves us aching for a constant heart to bind with.

Its part of time. Its part of growing up. Saying goodbye before we're ready. Others' timers go off before we're ready to remake and reestablish. And sometimes we set ours off early before having to be left. Will time ever cease to exist? Will we ever forget to watch? Will we ever notice we're moving too fast to know there is a clock? Will schedules and time and growing old ever go out the window? Before all hearts grow a stranger and normal, everyday, constant, known love becomes some sort of history? Is loving the real strength we're all looking for? Brokenness and letting ourselves be vulnerable and needed and real. When money, and building, and wires, and data, and status, and worldly views and progress are all replaced with a simple moment and growth in the release of a heart's real desire? Letting it come like a wind that stands still. What if it all stopped. Everything. And we just stayed where we were? According to our hearts momentary, pure love. What if there wasn't anything calling us away? What if there was no more dying? What if everybody was suddenly satisfied and happy? What if there was no one pushing to move or stay where your heart wasn't making way? What if time wasn't real? Or memories. Because all that mattered was what was right in front of you. We'd never move. We'd never leave. We'd never miss. No one would be left hurting. If it could only be reality to know fullness in love this way. Between strangers, family, friends, and spouses. If we didn't move though, could we really grow? And, would we ever come to know a higher love and being in existance, God Himself. Would there be any hope? Its still a sweet thought to think that we could be lost in a moment forever. That's the flesh talking in me. Hating letting go in order to follow the glory that is to come. Because all I can see is right here, right now, what's in front of me. Its about getting lost in higher love every moment forever. Not a moment in this time, that really isn't real to begin with. Letting love emerge is hard. Higher love, and love on this earth. It all strengthens and breaks us at the same time. In the end it will make sense.

I've always wanted to just live an independant life, unaffected by everyone and everything. Unattached, no responsibilities, unrelated and free. Living life like its a picture in motion, being developed as my brain directed my foot to step into the next frame it was creating in the momentary midst. As if there was absolutely no plot from the beginning of this life counted "years". Not needing anyone or anything in my eye's view in consistancy, but having friends all over in one big city the size of America. Having the map of the world under me to skip and hop scotch across at my own timing and waking up to see where I desired to go in order for a new discovery and adventure and story to hear for that day. No limits. No boundaries. No timeline. Although exciting, I'm starting to believe its not what I really desire. Well, I guess it is, because I have a hard time staying in one place. I think in a way, its not a bad thing...the whole living on wind..like the Spirit...knowing where He's going and what He's doing...but I have a hard time constantly leaving something or someone. At least alone. I think there's something constant that can be found in the natural. With strength and power from above. Bringing effort for a choice to continue in real, believing, trusting love towards one another. I'm starting to believe. Why would we live without living to share and look back on and move forward? What's the point of leaving hearts behind and going on without another? The hearts all around are a gift to share the happenings. But this life long pilgramage is just too lonely sometimes without another natural stranger in the earth to come along with you, constantly beside you. A journey's better with two whether you know the other people at first or not, but I can only imagine the greatness of a scrapbook of journeys shared by two who have united for the rest of their life. Seems crazy coming from me. I never could let myself hold on to anybody, but I do wonder if mine will ever come. I wonder if there is another half out there for me at all. And, I wonder if there is, if I left too early at one place or another before he caught up. And if we knew it, could we fix it, and find our journeys in company of the others in order to never have to say goodbye? But then again, I am still young. Really, really young. But somehow, for some reason, I'm all of a sudden wondering. I never have before so deeply.

I love what my favorite artist, Jason Reeves, says so simply in a website biography,"....and im lonely. but not sadly. everybody is alone. i want love like love wants love..oxygen and drifting clouds. and im not scared to be alive. these days more people are......"

Maybe I'm just growing up. Maybe I'm just difficult. Actually, I know I'm difficult. But I'm honest. And, I know the sunday school answer. But, again, I'm just being honest and feeling. And for now, I miss love. And, I'm pissed off at time.

Sigh, last day here in Missouri tomorrow. Last goodbyes to hearts stationed here. Then will be back in Charlotte tomorrow night....arriving from point a to point b alone in order to say hello to new hearts for another bit of "time". I love you Missouri. I love you Charlotte.

Simple Moments.

2009-06-17T10:02:00.003-11:00

I have another break during this crazy trip home to Missouri. My sister's puppy has crawled up and weaved herself into my arms, while typing and trying to eat at the same time. Its funny how no matter what you are doing, or the craziness going on around, this puppy happens to be able to crawl up and lay down and be in automatic comfort zone. I can't get over how cute this little pup named May is. She has fallen sound asleep and is now dreaming and making little ruff noises. Its adorable.

I couldn't be happier during this 4 o'clock hour to be cuddling with this little thing and listening to the sweetest humongous dog, Max, get up and down from in front of the couch I'm sitting on as he paces in fear from the lawnmower just outside the window. He's looking at me with big copper eyes waiting for me to save him as he doesn't realize that I am not much bigger than he is. Its adorable.

Its so easy to overlook the simple, small moments these days when they are really the best. Its not about the schedule, or who or what or when, but about the joys. I'm enjoying my simple moments before a busy night and taking time to sip my coffee slowly.

Resting in Springfield..Kind Of.

2009-06-15T17:59:00.011-11:00

Ahhhhh, breathe.

Its been a crazy week since I arrived in Missouri. On Wednesday I had a wild day of mishappenings at the airports and on planes, that I claim as a day of testing and trial from the Lord. And, since then, there has been a lot going on with the fam including doctor appointments with my pregnant sister, tourist moments-more like tourist hours, my dad's wedding and all the events that go before and after a wedding, more baby stuff for a different sister, a house walk through with my sister and her fiance, big dinners, travel between a few cities, and lots of random other stuff. Note: I am not complaining at all about any of this. I have loved every moment.

I have had so much fun since I've been here, but man, I'm feeling good as my feet are currently up on the coffee table in the comfort of my sisters' and a friend's loft downtown. Although we've been talking a little business (details to come!), I feel like I'm able to slow down and breathe as I take my first night in Springfield. That's the beauty of work you enjoy and are excited about. :o)

Overall, so far, I'd say I feel like this trip has been full of joy, love, fun, quality time with those I have loved and missed dearly, little gifts from God all around, and lots of new good memories even in the midst of a swirl of the chaotic buzz.

I'm really excited for the next few days I have here and the couple days that follow in Kansas City.

Better get going and unplug. I hear thunder. Expected to be strong storms are arriving and sure to fight for the life of this computer.

Hope everyone is well where ever you are located and reading this. God bless you friends.

In A Hotel In Joplin Right Now...

2009-06-13T09:12:00.005-11:00

...the hours to prepare ourselves for Dad's wedding are slipping away.

Memories are flooding in.

Oh, how I've missed scrunching together in front of a mirror, and squeezing through doorways of bathrooms as we bustle around with make-up, hairdryers, straighteners, and hair product while running into scents of sprays of all kinds trailing whichever direction you go. The craziness of 5 sisters needing to get dressed up at the same time. Beautiful mess.

I'm In Kansas City Right Now.

2009-06-11T17:00:00.003-11:00

And I'm loving it.

The Love That Humbles

2009-06-06T14:41:00.008-11:00

I am realizing lately how poorly qualified I am to be anyone's friend. In a way, its really kind of a relief. Not only do I feel like I am expected to be perfect, due to my history and childhood, but I have set myself on a quest somewhere along this journey to be without any fault and precisely, not fail the expectations of others and myself. I know, this sounds crazy, but its how I've actually been living for as long as I remember. Never wanting to mess up and making impossible, secret promises to never give anything unless it would be perfect. I have set myself up to fail out of fear of rejection, I guess, and therefore be ashamed and reluctant to be anyone's friend due to the omission of unrealistic standards I subconsciously set in past relationships. I have this thing in me to want to be perfect or not be anything at all. Because I am human, and no human is perfect, I of course always fail. BUT somewhere in the last week my eyes have been opened up again to the grace and love I received through my salvation from God and continue to receive even as I am imperfect, completely full of fault, rather difficult in almost every situation, distant, and pretty much unloveable as I hold absolutely nothing the God of the universe could possibly want to draw closer to. And, this walk of understanding has been put into the relationships that are around me currently in the natural as well. I mean seriously, I have nothing to give to God or anybody else in my strength, heart, mind, and spirit and even in the natural since I moved here. Absolutely nothing good. I am a mess. I am difficult. I am poor and broken. I am fearful. I am unloving, but still, somehow, I have found ones around me who believe in me, who haven't given up on me, and who still love me with quite a big chunk of their heart even with how indirectly difficult I may be at times, how confused and blinded I am at times, even when I haven't had my coffee to wake up in the morning or when I'm grumpy late at night and its time for bed. No matter what's going on, who we're with, or where we are they love me and aren't afraid to show it. Point blankly, I don't understand it, its weird, it confuses me, and it scares me a bit. I have literally asked myself in some of the relationships I have why on earth this person or that person loves me still. I am dumb founded. I feel like I have given nothing, but somehow I have found their favor and they continue to give and give and give without expecting anything in return. In fact, it seems like they love me even more, as hard as it is for me to let myself believe, its true. Its crazy to me. Luckily, since I've become aware of all this again its having an opposite affect as to what it normally does. And, now that I realize how bad of a friend I am, to put it point blank, it has unexpectedly freed me up to love and want to love these people and our God more. That's all I really have to give anyway. I guess overall what I'm trying to say is that this never-ending, always believing, real, forgiving love has humbled me, before these individuals and the Father who sits on the throne of grace who has given way more than any human could ever give me. Its like they knew I would come around eventually and had the patience to wait with the Father on me. I am so undeserving of this love. A situation inexplainable, full of questions and awe and wonder, and beautifully freeing for one like myself. I'll take it!

Now That's Profound!

2009-05-27T16:48:00.000-11:00

"We live in an alternate universe but exist from the dust of the earth. And, all of this life we live is made only of words."

My friend said that to me tonight. I don't know if its blowing anyone else's mind, but when I heard it I was in the midst of brushing my teeth, and I found myself pretty happy with the fact that my mouth was full. I didn't really have any words to say after hearing that. Or, I guess, in truth, I have plenty of words to say, but not really in any other way than staying in awe and asking questions to the Father. I've thought on similar stuff before, and its like I knew it and believed it, but I didn't really. Ya know how that goes? Faith really does come by hearing I guess. I can't help but speak the above quoted words over and over again in my head. Its so crazy to look at our life this way. Whats even more wild is the reality that this is only fact. Its not like it was just some crazy thought, or idea, or imagined scenario. This is the Word of God. And, therefore, what we exist from....since His Word is our reality. Something was downloaded into me tonight and is sinking in and I can't really explain it, but I'm seeing it, kind of, and I want to share it, but I can't in correct form and characters through a computer screen yet.

Oh man, if we could only see past the dust, that we may behold great and marvelous things.

The Reality Of This Pilgramage-Another Long, Honest Trail of Thoughts That I'm Not So Sure Will Make Sense To Anyone But Me..

2009-05-27T09:04:00.000-11:00

Everybody has those seasons of change that they trail the timeline in their memories backwards and begin to pull out the old photographs and entries of good times that were stored in their own life's history. Naturally, feelings of sadness will emerge inside. I don't think it is wrong to feel sad, because obviously God gave us that emotion, but I think there is a problem when a person should choose to live on in the emotion past its time. As one continues to look backward, he begins to notice the absence of individuals and times and therefore feel a loss in the days of now. This results in an inability to value what surrounds him. Moreover he lacks the capacity to and is unable to love the present. This brings the feelings of paranoia, and even belief, of disappointing others around him because he can't love them the way he knows he should, or the way he believes they want him to. Then the regret for ever leaving or letting go of what was in the past, and what had been figured out follows. This results in depression, loneliness, and hopelessness which leads to wrong choices, if he hasn't started down that road already, and possibly suicide.

From my own life and several lives that have been walked out thus far around me, I am learning this is a fleshly way to go about our everyday growth and moving forward in our life. When we begin to look in the past, whether its because of missing something, someone, or some place, or things slipping out of our grip and not seeing things go the way we'd wish for them to go, or even not being able to forgive someone or forget a situation that has happened and facing regrets, we begin to get pulled back, tied down, and chained from our freedom to love, be loved, and find joy. Like I said again, this is a fleshly way.

I've been struggling with this a lot lately. The questions of "why I am not happy and why am I not able to move forward in the spirit?" has been asked in prayer meetings between God and me lately.

When I moved to South Carolina, it was because I realized God was real and I had to have more of Him. I couldn't see any other way to move. Now that I am surrounded by Him and have the oppurtunity to encounter Him daily, I find myself missing the ones I left behind. I had people to hang out with in Springfield, and the surrounding areas, whenever I wanted to, I had family to sit down and have dinner with every night I chose to, and I had someone I could call at 3am in the morning to go meet if I needed to talk. Now without a car, money, and fresh relationship, I've been missing my past so much and wishing I had that liability, that companionship, that type of friendship/bond around again. There have been times where I literally have had my mind made up to move back due to living in these scrapbooks made in my mind and realizing the "lack" I have in the now.

My question as of lately has been, "Why am I not satisfied? Why am I feeling ashamed? Why am I disappointed while I live for the Lord, wait on Him, and partner with Him? Why am I growing in unacceptance of whats around me? Is it because of what I left back there?" There's no way that's the reason. "Is it because I haven't given this place a chance to satisfy me?" No that's not the case. Its because I've taken my eyes off the future and focused on what I don't have anymore, rather than what I have and how it is bringing me closer to the Lord. I'm focused more on who's feeling upset with me in the flesh and then working to please them or satisfy them. I've been focused on whether I'll have food tomorrow, a place to live, and my bills paid. Because of all this, I've found myself saying it was so much easier when I had the security of money in my pocket, the commendation from others on what I'm doing with my life, and when I couldn't remember the night, conversations, and/or disagreeances I had the night before because I was too drunk or high. Of course it was easier. It was comforting my soul. Of course living for God instead of comforting my soul with these things is going to be harder-living for a life to come instead of this life while walking in this life just makes sense when its harder than giving in to the lusts of my flesh. Living to please the flesh, mine or someone else's, is going to seem satisfying when its only going to leave me feeling hopeless and lead me to death. Its so easy to forget about pleasing the Father in heaven when everything around you is pushing the bruises in your skin over and over until you take your eyes off Him and turn your gaze to the natural eye's vision. No wonder I'm feeling like a failure. No wonder I'm feeling depressed again. No wonder I'm feeling like I've disappointed everyone around me and their brother. Its because I'm focusing on what's going on around me instead of what the Lord's calling me to spiritually. Never have I found written in the bible to listen to what man says than to what God is saying. Point being, if we take our eyes off what's at the end we won't be able to see Him in the now and what He is doing, or blessing us with. We won't find the real joy around us, and the joy set before us. It will only result in our prayer and our relationship with Christ consisting of questioning, doubting, disbelief, and anger instead of thankfulness and praise. No wonder I have been struggling with getting in the spirit..when I choose to. No wonder my eyes are clouded and I'm all confused and I can't see the eternal. No wonder I've been looking for "what's out there again" and "the more". No wonder I'm tried, stressed, and unhappy even in the Father's house.

David says it perfectly in Psalm 77:7-10, "Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion. Then I said, 'It is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High has changed.'" First of all, God is slow to anger, quick to lovingkindness. Second of all, He is unchanging. It is me who has changed my focus. It is me believing He is not good. It is me trying to comfort my soul as it cleaves to the dust and make me believe that His grace and lovingkindness isn't real.

The Lord has finally, in His kindness, opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not missing, longing, desiring all of "home" at all. I mean, yes, they are good memories, good times, and I do love and miss it, but the desire is for the familiar, the closeness, the love I experienced there. He has put us in these relationships, the healthy relationships, in order to give us a glimpse, a sneak peak into the place and the intimacy we have in store with Him. How much greater is the love of the Father? This desire we are feeling is a want for the more that is to come at the end. Eternal love. Unfailing love. Home. Heaven. Father, Son-our beloved, and unison by the Holy Spirit. This is what we are feeling. A longing, a groan, an ache. We are hurting for that perfect peace, rest, and love. He's drawing us in. He's giving us a sheer feeling of what He has been aching for since the beginning of time.

We are strangers on the earth. We will never be satisfied until we die and return to heaven; unless of course, one should choose not to believe in the beautiful testimony of Jesus. But, that's not what I'm writing about. I'm writing to pinpoint these feelings of missing "back there" and what has been known in the past and seeing the reality of why we feel this way. As I'm realizing the truth of these longings, I'm learning to replace them by moving my eyes forward to what I am really actually wanting by meditating on His goodness, His faithfulness, and His beauty portrayed in the Bible and remembering how He's encountered me in my life in these ways. As I dig into these testimonies from our spiritual forefathers, and from my history with God, I am able to discern more easily and see more clearly that its the Son of God, the Father, the throne room that I am missing and longing for. Its what the Spirit on the inside of me is groaning for. I must let the Spirit become bigger than the flesh and my soul. I've been reminded a lot about Romans 8 over the last couple months, which I consider to have been my first real meditation on the bible with real understanding about a year ago.

This is what we are looking for from the moment we take our first breath. This is what we are seeking. This is what we are missing and desiring and longing and groaning and hoping to come upon. I can't say it enough. Until the end, we are on our own pilgrimage led by the Spirit, if we should choose to believe and be faithful to Him, to seek and find the intimacy, closeness, love and God of the Most High. Its really pretty brilliant. This is why Jesus is called the author of our faith.

Anyways, a couple prayers that have helped me over the last week or so, and I hope will encourage anyone else, have been from Psalm 119:19 & 54, "I am a stranger in the earth; do not hide Your commandments from me. Your statutes are my songs in the house of my pilgrimage." and Psalm 77:11-13, "I shall remember the deeds of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds. Your way, O God, is holy; what god is great like our God?"

I will choose to meditate on the wonders of God. I will choose to believe He is good and will carry me through. I will choose to say He is the only thing that satisfies. This is my joy in my house of pilgrimage. This is my comfort as my heart calls to me with truth that I am not a stranger on this journey, but only on this earth. And I can't be a part of anything that I'm joining together with in any other name. Every which way I walk, talk, and hear has got to be in the name of Jesus.

"Am I sowing to the Spirit or sowing to the flesh? I'm doing one or the other all the time."-Cory Asbury

And this marks the end of another long, honest trail of thoughts as I've stumbled on a little bit more of Truth in this walk as the Spirit battles my flesh. Thank God for a blog to let it all come out and start to piece together. And thank God I can type fast or I would never have the patience. Amen.

There She Has Hung.

2009-05-22T09:57:00.001-11:00

Somehow since I've been here I've lost almost all interest in playing and writing music. My guitar has hung in her place on my wall, silent and lonely, for a few months waiting for my friendship's return. This week I've been hanging out with her quite a bit again, but she's recallusing my fingers, and it hurts! I didn't realize how long it'd been until I felt the ache today from playing the last few days. I guess that's what happens when you put down your guitar and let your heart get callused from bad, nerve-wracking experiences on sets. The Lord has downloaded a couple melodies into my brain though, and I am excited to put them to the words that have been flooding through my ballpoint pen onto paper. These are the first songs I've grabbed from the air between their birth places and my sensing them since I came here. I haven't written a song in this place until now. I think its God calling me to work through my issues and insecurities and pick up the guitar again on a regular basis. We'll see what comes forth as I join these fingertips back to these spiraled strings and sing to these walls, carpet, and ceiling.

My Older Sister Loves Me.

2009-05-20T03:23:00.001-11:00

There's only one thing on my mind right now. My visit home. I've missed family. A lot. Probably more than I ever have. I say that monthly now, but the ache hurts more and more. There's something about that tie. That bond. The familiar. The closeness. The fact that you don't have to explain yourself. The fact that they just know you. And you just know them. There's no trying to figure out. There's no guessing when you're too scared to ask. There's just being. There's a freedom there I don't feel I have here just yet. I've missed my Dad, I've missed my quadruplet sisters, and I've missed having my older sister around-not that she is any different or apart from the other sisters. But my older sister is naturally like a wing over me. I miss her especially these last couple weeks. I'm not sure why. Maybe because Mother's day just passed, and even today would have been my mom's birthday, so I'm needing someone to celebrate. Wow, I just realized that as I'm typing. That's probably why I have a gut desire to have that mothering so much lately. That guidance. That protectance. I've been remembering times when I used to crawl up into my mom's recliner and just sit with her all night until I fell asleep. Nothing big, but so special. Nothing beats Jesus' wing of shadowing, but man, sometimes its just so good to have that in the flesh. To crawl under that wing when everything shakes. When everything gets scary. When you hurt. When you're tired. Or even just to laugh. Otherwise there's a feeling of being completely lost. Without that older sis. I'm so excited to see mine. The day is so close. To talk. To cry. To laugh. To do crafts. To stay up so late walking around town, watching movies, and then sitting on the bed talking about who knows what while eating way too much junk food and then getting unexplainably goofy and giggly. And then waking up early and sitting with each other in silence because we're so tired but so at peace. To sit under a tree with art supplies and a guitar and "waste" all afternoon. To sip sweet tea...lots. To have someone to share my stuff with and know it will be appreciated and enjoyed the same way I value what I'm giving. To adventure through explorations. To walk around parks. To sing. To play dress up. To go coffee shoppin'. To go to a concert. To go walking downtown. To go puddle jumping when its raining. To watch the beautiful storm clouds role in. To watch the sunset. To go shopping. To go simple walmart trippin. To cook. But most of all, to love and be loved by my sisters and my Dad. With thanksgiving. We've all never really been thankful. Until now. Cheesy, but true. I'm in need. There is a big hole that needs filling up!!!! 20 days!!!!!! I'm SOOOO excited.

Well, that was a rant that I didn't mean to write, but the reason I'm writing is to share what my older sister just surprised me with on the internet. Check out what she's up to. So sweet and adorable! :o)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/erinsunday/sets/72157618420358577/

Well, You Gotta Love That.

2009-05-17T04:23:00.000-11:00

We had a conference here this weekend called Keeping The Charge. Going into it I wasn't excited about it at all but it ended up being really good, for everyone, I think. If not everyone, for me. But I'm pretty sure it was good for almost everyone. It was so weird. I spent almost both days working with barely any sleep the whole conference, but didn't feel like I worked at all. A whole night of splashing in the river with some friends and uncontainable spirit giggles followed by a day of good worship, simple but empowering messages, and of course the 3 free hamburgers and 3 free hotdogs (I have a fast metabolism). I think the best part was when everyone left and I realized that I was still there. For some reason God has chosen me to stay in His house day after day and be close to Him. I wasn't just coming for a weekend, but He has chosen me to talk to Him and partner with Him to be used to talk to His people through me every minute of my every day and be near forever-or as far as I can see right now. I got/get to stay. Nothing beats cartwheels, round offs, and dancing to Ryan I. music all the way around the alter with a good friend after the conference while we waited to take communion with most of my shift and then falling back into His arms and resting in the fact that this is my home. Hard, tiring, lonely, stressful, boring and unexpecting sometimes, its worth it just knowing that He is always there unchanging and everlasting, and knowing that my prayers aren't hitting a brass ceiling but His heart..and He hears every word. They're never overlooked and He's never sidetracked from what I have to say. He values me. He loves me. His word is good and His love is good. He is so good to His people, His children, His household. I am all filled up on the food that I've been needing in this body, naturally and spiritually. I feel like my eyes have been opened to a lot...yea, this weekend was much needed. It was just fun all around. That's all.

Favorite quotes from this weekend:

"You are too young to be tired and worn out."-Billy Humphrey

"This is not normal. Billy's not one of those guys who gets up and promotes this kind of stuff. This...is just not normal."-Kirk Bennett

"I looked up and all of a sudden I saw this huge fountain spring up and Kim was sitting right at the bottom of it."-Thomas Blair

"My thoughts are higher. I like your thoughts, but, well, they're different. Don't lean on your own understanding."-Michelle Volgamore (prophecynging)

"If you can hear My voice it means I love you. I love you a lot Kim Sunday. You're in biiig trouble!"-Michelle Volgamore(prophecynging)

"You gotta get scrappy. We have to be a scrappy house of prayer!"-Billy Humphrey

AMENNNN.

My Own Frustrated Dream And Hope Tonight.

2009-05-14T15:22:00.000-11:00

I want to be in a time zone that has a sunset scheduled at this very moment. I want to take all memories, aches, and questions that are gravitated inside of me to the shoreline of a horizon and let them explode into millions of pieces to be thrown one by one into the open sea stationed under this daily radiating phenomenon given by God. I'd watch them disappear as they were swallowed into the deep mysteries, that lie way too far down for man to discover, under the blanket of reflection that rests on the waves. The waves that exist to move in unison with my hand gesturing goodbye as the echoes support my mouth's yelling of freedom. Then, without hesitation, let my remaining frame and spirit be released, by the loss of these weights, into the vast expanse of the golden gleams from a place of magnificent happenings and portraits that my eye's timeline does not possess just yet. Somewhere along the adventurous journey of following lightwaves and molecules and twirling the sky's holdings in my fingers I think I'd find a real, believing love. And, I'd swim in the satisfaction that's supposed to reflect down and cover this earth in the shadow of Heaven. What would it be like to make friends with the beautiful creations that live in the glorious inner workings of the atmosphere. I think I could float away and stay lost for eternity with the Man, called Wisdom, and all that is of Him, who had me in mind when making all of this for my mind to wander on and wonder about while my feet are stuck to the cement men laid for their own, somehow considered progressing, dream. Then, only then, I think I'd find the unpolluted, beautiful truth I need and have been looking for in place of the rehearsed, empty answers anyone on this earth has been taught to give, whether by passed down "knowledge" or their own life's discovered and growing theology. And then I'd have some sort of understanding on who I really am and what I am doing here. For all of this is His nature. And His nature defines who He is, and therefore who I am.

Proverbs 8

I wish I could hear wisdom's calling more clearly. I'd love to hear what its shouting right now over my life.

REALLY Long Blog About My Growing Pains.

2009-05-13T07:44:00.001-11:00

I really don't have anything to write about. Its my day off though so I have the time to write. I guess we'll see what comes out. I wonder why I write sometimes. Sometimes I make the choice to never write, because I feel like I talk circles around the same thing and can't really put into words what I discover, and even so, I have a hard time believing that what I discover is really anything worth sharing. But then someone new comes up to me and tells me they read this, so I guess I will keep writing as long as the Lord keeps showing me that somehow my thoughts are encouraging to others.

Lately the Lord's been doing some cool things with me. He's been actually comforting me and encountering me and finding me in ways that I haven't asked for. Of course, He's always trying to speak, and always talking to us, but He's been calling my name out and giving me true identity through some random and some not so random individuals and situations and catching my attention so that I know its from Him. He's been giving me identity by breathing on good characteristics and then also showing me the characteristics that have grown from my past that don't belong in my life. I don't know if it has to do with learning to communicate with others properly, and allowing relationships to form and grow in my life, or maybe its having to actually deal with learning to forgive and move forward from past relationships that have hurt me really badly in order to grow these new relationships, but whatever it is, its caused me to see my own faults under a magnifying glass. I'm realizing how much what I do effects others in good and bad ways. Mostly bad ways. Its all I can focus on. And, its something I've had to work at for the sake of others and myself. Along with this I have had to deal with and become real with all of the emotions that I hardened myself to during those times. I've had to become real with how old situations and people from my past have made me feel, and therefore become real with how the people around me make me feel. I'm having to take the emotions and catch them and take every single one before the Lord and pinpoint where it is coming from. It hurts really, really badly and has made me see how much flesh is still left in me. I've been feeling about an inch tall, worthless, and completely alone in this world. It has worn me out really quickly and some days have lost all strength and zeal in everything and faced times where I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day, or night. Of course its a phase we all go through constantly in life--the ups and downs, and learning, and changing, and growing. Thankfully somehow He's started to bring me out of that pit I was falling into quickly without me putting much effort into trying to climb out. Or I guess, He's helping me to see the good all of this is doing by speaking truth over it all in random encounters.

One really cool encounter He gave me was this past week. We had some guests at ZHOP over the last week or so. Maybe they were there longer, but I didn't actually see them until this Sunday at our Encountering God service. Kirk, our director, introduced them, and I heard one of their sets as we were playing it in the prayer room. They are very anointed and minister to a lot to people. Somehow I ended up talking to them at our "meet n greet" time and I found myself feeling unworthy of being in their presence. Kind of like John in Revelation when talking to the angel. They started to tell my friend and I part of a word they had received for the house and I literally felt like I shouldn't be hearing this in a conversation. Like, I wasn't worthy of direct encounter with a messenger from the Lord, but only worthy of if they were preaching it. I didn't know why the Lord had me in this conversation. Meet n greet time ended and I didn't see them again. Then I had a monday night set briefing, and the worship leader had asked them to come and pray over us before the set. I was scared. I don't know why I had this feeling, but as they prayed they started speaking into us and prophecying over us for a good fifteen minutes, and then told us they were thankful that they had met us. They were so humble and pure. It was crazy. It was like the Lord, aside from the words that were spoken and prayed over me, by the situation itself, took my shame, my insecurity, my self made identity and put it before Him and said without actually saying it, "You are better than that. You are worthy of my time. It is me that is before you, not them. I see you before me, and I love to speak and be in your midst. This is how I have your attention. And I love when you listen." He put me back to the place of realizing that people are nothing. Its the breath of the Lord that brings the life carried in individuals like this. And, the same in me. Although I am nothing, He is making me something for Him. I am something to Him. I am no less than any other. No matter what circumstances, situations, and people say or show me in this life, I am something to Him. And that's really all that matters.

He's really been showing me that He's always spoken to me, and I've always been His. I remember times when I was little, hearing the voice of the Lord, whether through dreams, or just out to play, and feeling the Holy Spirit, but not knowing that it was the Lord that I was actually experiencing and not my imagination or adventurous mind. It was Him comforting me through all of my childhood and trying to speak identity and truth into me and let me know what to do as situations occurred. And even times after my mom died in high school and a couple years after when I made some seriously wrong choices, and put myself in situations that no one should ever be in, He was there. He always told me not to go to certain places, and always told me not to do certain things, but I didn't recognize it as His voice and fell into some major crisis' by the enemy's hand. And even now, He's speaking to me, telling me, proclaiming that I am not that person, and I have never been. I just made the choices, naively falling into a repetitive worldly lifestyle and trusting in those who hurt me thinking I wasn't worthy of more. I don't know how to explain it, but its like I can step back and see myself as a person aside from all those things, and places, and see that I have always been His and under His wing in mercy, grace, and forgiveness, covered in His blood, as He waited for me to realize it. And, that is why He brought me here because my flesh was dominating my spirit, and its only here, almost a full year later that I can realize that I am more than all those other things. That is not who I am. Its crazy. I am, and always have been, and always will be a "son of God"...holy...and this has made me so thankful in the last week again, and made me realize how undeserving I am of His grace, and how little I have to give Him in return. I am nothing, but I am everything to Him.

He caught my attention a second time. As I walked into ZHOP I saw someone I never have really spoken to, which is weird in a small community like this one. I have always figured this person is shy and reserved, so I haven't really ever taken the time to go and actually take on the "Hi, my name is.." conversation. Of course, we know who each other are, but never have actually "greeted". Anyways, I had to walk past this person 2-3 times as I was taking care of some stuff. The third time on the way back he said, "Hi Kim", and I smiled and waved and said hi back while still walking (I get nervous and scared talking to new people when I know they are more shy-I don't know why-maybe I'm just scared I'll be too much for them). They looked at me as if they had more to say so I stopped and awkwardly just stood there as I knew they did. Then they said, seemingly to be scared and not knowing what the response would be but taking a chance knowing the Lord was trying to speak, "I was praying in the prayer room the other day...and... ", and then said a word that I really needed to hear. I mean, I really, really needed to hear it.

God's been speaking to me randomly through little and big things. Whether by myself, or through others. And, yes, the words that Jesus has been telling me are so important, and have been so good, but something that's almost more important that I've discovered, and is why I didn't write what the actual words spoken through these individuals were, is the partnership and willingness we give to the Lord by becoming faithful to whatever command He gives us. Its made me realize the importance of putting forth an effort to recognize every way the Lord speaks in our day and believing that He does all of the time. He's always looking for a way to edify and speak, and He's always needing someone who is willing, no matter who that person is, to be the one to carry out His desire to do so. He's needing someone willing on both ends. There has to be belief from the person who is giving the word or act that the Lord has told them to give, and there has to be belief by the individual receiving the word or act of service. Belief that it is actually of the Lord.

"My yoke is easy. My burden is light".

So simple. But so hard for our brains to partner with and believe that the God of all creation is speaking to us, or able to use us who are so weak and not able of doing anything good by ourselves. "You can do no good apart from Me". "Apart from Me you are nothing." We truly are nothing without Him. There is no good in us, for ourselves, for others, and for God unless it is given to us by God.

Wow, well that is yet another long blog. Getting lost in the security of the Lord over my insecurity is okay by me though. Definitely worth writing about. Its the only thing that's really honest.

Well, have a good day!

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T06:32:00.001-11:00

Two of my sister's are mother's today! Finally a day of celebration again!!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAYYYYY

Unplanned Escapes.

2009-05-08T06:37:00.001-11:00

I used to absolutely hate rainy days. There was something about them that weren't so kind to my heart. Maybe it was my subconsciousness admitting to the fear of tornadoes following the rain and thunder, or I guess more-so the fear of someone I love being swept away or left hurting without consideration of the beast that damaged them. They seemed to always disrupt my parade of puddle jumping while destructing my hopes of the sun coming to shine through the rain, which are my favorite instances in the recollection of my 22 year old memory. Of course, in Missouri, it was almost a fact that tornadoes and deadly lightning and winds were the shadow of a seemingly peaceful thunderstorm.

Sitting on my bed now as the rain sings to me has caused me to realize that there is hardly any fear these days, at least of the weather. Its been raining on and off for the last couple of weeks, and I have had the opportunity to wait on the rain, without a real desire to put my hopes into eagerly expecting any sort of end, while hiding away from nothing really at all. There's something about the rain that causes this melodic sound to not need a tempo. The gentle rainy days that come with soft thunders every once in a while are sweet to my mind's obsession with describing words that tie reality in with the adventures and far off lands that live in my imagination. Its an easy excuse to escape without criticism and judgment from my own insecurities of spending time alone with only my guitar, writings, drawings, and crafts. The only object that could pull me back to the existence of this tangible life are friends, which aren't so scary, most of the time.

I've developed a love for these times.

2009-05-07T04:18:00.001-11:00

FATHER

A Word Person

2009-05-05T11:44:00.000-11:00

I'm definitely a words person. You hear of those who like gifts, you hear of those who like touch, and those who likes quality time, or even acts of service, but me? I like words. Of course, I mean, THE Word. The living Word of God. Its amazing what just as little as 5 minutes with Jesus does, as opposed to, well, any other thing. His word is the only thing that will bring the other types of love. His Word, the meditation, the walking out of, and the searching and seeking of, is the only thing that will open our senses, our eyes, to how He shows love in this life. Its the door. He is the only truth in this life. He is the only thing constant. His word never changes, and will never be changed by another individual. In a world of helpless, lonely souls trapped in flesh and a making of humanity based on lies and misunderstandings there is an escape! The Word is what we've been waiting for, what we've been looking for. Its the release of real, believing love that can take us to other places we could never imagine, and probably will never be able to comprehend, until a life time to come. It never fails and never perishes. How do we forget it? How do we forget this precious, holy message written from the highest blood covenant of all? Especially as Americans? People in other countries are literally dying as they search and dare to carry these binded papers, or even own this thing we call a Bible. These are the words of God. The very breath of the almighty Father. The One we desire to know and cry out for. These are holy. Right in front of us, right in our possession. The FATHER, the CREATOR of the world, GOD took time, well more than time, He gave it all, in order to deliver this to us. And we get bored? We say He doesn't speak? We say He's not alive? Man our flesh is weak. Our flesh is deadly. Our desires are not right. Why am I not satisfied always? I have to go through pain, strife, misunderstanding, loneliness, depression, hatred, anxiety, and chaos of the mind in order to find what is real and worth actual value in this life. I have to go to my end to meet the real beginning..daily. What's my problem? What's this world's problem? He is so much more worthy of 5 minutes. He is so much more worthy of last call. He is so much more worthy of my heart, my mind, my soul, my everything. This is why I'm here. He made man, and gave humanity a whole, big world and universe, so that He could dwell with Him.And, then when we slipped away and weren't thankful for this beauty, this gift of not only our dwelling place in the natural but our life, He forgave us and made His Word into a man so that He could bring man back to Him. So that He could show them the way. Its His promise, His hope, that couldn't be taken over by death. Seriously, what's our problem? Why does this mean nothing to this flesh and bones? Man.

1 Corinthians 8:6, "Yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from who are all things and we exist for Him; and one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things, and we exist through Him."

Its the Word. Jesus Christ.We exist for the Father, but can only do so, in everything, by allowing His Word, Jesus, to be a part of us and guide us to a place that we are able to stand before Him, faithful and blameless. A lot of people here have been encountering this very reality that Jesus Christ, the man, IS the Word in the flesh. This Word we have is alive, and active, in every bit of our day. I get all excited every time I hear what others are learning on this. It reestablishes my love for the new covenant, for the Spirit, which testifies to the only Truth we have to hold onto in this world, every time. Its a message I never get tired of being reminded of and learning more about. The Truth that is able to take us to a higher, holy place, and a Truth that is way closer than we could ever comprehend.

Okay, this Word person needs to go dig a little deeper and fill up on this love from Him.

Reoccurring Message In The Night.

2009-05-03T07:26:00.000-11:00

This makes 3 dreams that I've had now that I've left where I am and revisited the past. The past is the future though. Meaning, I left Charlotte, or ZHOP, and went back to Springfield, and everything went back to normal. That is I hung out with the friends that used to be close, when I lived there, and family, but didn't rekindle old activities. It was a new, refreshing, positive life with the same company as before, and it was great. The weird thing was, when I remembered all of the happenings and friends from here, what is my life in real life now, it was an "Oh yea! Those guys! I wonder how they're doing!" type of thought. I didn't miss it as much as I think that I would if I were to move back. I didn't miss the people as much, and I didn't miss the ministry. None of it was part of my life, and it barely crossed my mind. I actually thought in my dream while randomly remembering a friend from here, "Oh yea, 'insert person's name', man, its really weird I don't miss them. I almost forgot about him/her" and felt guilt. It was all old news, and I had begun a life in Springfield again with the same values I live in here, and I brought others into these values with the way I lived my life. No words were needed to be said and there was no outreach. It was the silence that brought others into the faith and a lifestyle of intimacy with the Lord.

This dream was realer than the others I've had in the last couple weeks. Revisiting a past made new as if it was my reality in my dream is making today's truth feel like a walk in a place that's not supposed to be my reality anymore. I feel like I'm walking in the past, like I'm holding on to something that's supposed to be gone. The past being the truth of my life as of today, and the feeling being the desire to be home in Springfield. Its making me miss "home", even though this is my "home" now. Its messed up my mind set and heart for the day, as I'm hoping my insides will be back to all confidence in today by tomorrow. For now, I really miss my family and friends. I've been woken up to the fact that I'm surrounded by people I've known, or more so been surrounded by, for less than a year while constantly in a lifestyle I was just born into. It makes everything feel so surreal. Like, there's supposed to be an end soon. It makes me feel crazy for leaving everything...for everything here. Oh man, staying lost in the elude of my dreams all day would probably have been an easier, smarter choice than getting out of my bed and starting the coffee for a day cooped up in a house built on these questions. My mind's not resting while its in a maze of trying to figure out what happens at the end, and if there is an end, to this place I've found my way in for the last 10 months.

I know if I went back I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. I'm not like-minded enough to walk with the Father and Son's wisdom, and be led-forth by the Spirit continually without falling quickly. And I really do think I would miss this place, and the people, so much that I'd feel like I lost a limb or two. Or at least I think I'm sure of it. Could there be this same way in a new place, or an old place decorated with unexpected, renewed relationships, places, and lifestyles? Or am I just missing the familiar again?

Why am I having this dream in different scenarios in Springfield with different people over and over again? Is it a preparation and comfort from God, or is it an alluring temptation from the enemy?

Disordered Notes On Ephesians 2 Thrown Into A Blog-Part 1

2009-05-01T07:44:00.000-11:00

Can I just say that Ephesians 2:1-8 is blowing..my..mind. The beginning is, of course, just so cliche, right? But when you really sit and pick apart all of the words and ponder on them for a while, you should truly be finding thanksgiving on your heart. And not just "you". I don't mean to "condemn" or "point fingers" by using the 2nd party term, for I am just as guilty, but to encourage "you", who ever you are, to dig deep into these verses. I mean, seriously, we were dead in our transgressions, maybe some who are reading this still are, which I hope not, but we were/are dead, and now we, who believe, have been raised up with Christ. For some reason over the last couple weeks this is something I can not get out of my head.

First of all it says "God, being rich in mercy"(vs 4). This says two things: He is rich because of mercy or He is full of mercy. If He is rich because of mercy, what is He rich with because of the mercy He holds in His character? What does this really mean? What type of mercy is this that He would allow these words to describe Him in the Bible? It says He is rich in mercy. This could also mean He is abounding in mercy. He is full of it. He has exceeding, great possession of mercy itself. In other words, He's wealthy, a billionaire if you were to count the cost of mercy found in Him. I'd say that's way better than gold. Especially since His mercy is on us. So, maybe He's rich in mercy which causes Him to be rich in glory..the glory being us.

Mercy is defined as the kindness of God in withholding deserved judgment and extending undeserved compassion and forgiveness to man. Compassion is defined as concern or love. Which is why it goes into "because of His great love"(vs 4). How great is this love? I mean, seriously. This is the God of the universe, creator of all things, the Almighty God who is rich in mercy; this being, who is higher than any other, has an unmeasurable compassion and concern for us, undeserving humans, flesh and bones? This is crazy. We don't have anything to offer. Even if we gave Him everything we had, it wouldn't even compare to an offering that He is worthy of. And He has concern for us? He is full of mercy and love for us, for our sake, for our well-being?? This is a fatherly trait too..hmmm..

"Even when we were dead in our transgressions"(vs 5)...this means we had turned away and taken our trust and hope away from the Father and fallen into our own nature and choices,whether choosing to exalt ourselves, or something or someone else. This makes absolutely no sense except that we don't understand His greatness and goodness and we don't believe He loves us, and that His love is good.

Okay, imagine this. You love someone. We have all loved someone. Whether it be a boyfriend, friend, sibling, parent, other family member, or any other relation, we have all loved someone and stretched out our hand with gifts, of kind words, time, kind gestures, or literal gifts only to be rewarded with wandering eyes onto another or unthankfulness in the heart. We have all taken a chance to reprimand, with wisdom and the desire for that person's well-being, because in love, seeing that person walking right and at their best would be enough for us, but that person continues to turn away to the very thing you know is hurting them, and killing them, instead of accepting your love. It hurts, we don't understand the "why's", but you continue to care and love and give out your mercy time and time again until there is no more to give and you soon have to let go. We have all had someone do this for us too. Every one of us, because being flesh, we have only messed up, or had to/and continue to learn how to love. The crazy thing is, because of verse 4 of Ephesians 2, we know that God has a "great love with which He has loved us" (loved us being past tense, meaning said and done, settled forevermore, will never end), and therefore we have a zillion chances to turn back. He always loves, and always will because He is God, and not man, even though He knows the "why's" and every desire of our heart, which is not good until He gives us a desire from Him.

Does this mean we move the heart of the Father in heaven even in our weakness? Why else would He "love us with His great love even when we were dead in our transgressions"? Why would He still let His lovingkindness fall on us from His mercy seat? Because His discipline is love too.

A verse that is coming to mind is Isaiah 65: 1-3, "I permitted Myself to be sought by those who did not ask for Me; I permitted Myself to be found by those who did not seek Me. I said, 'Here am I, here am I,' to a nation which did not call on My name; I have spread out My hands all day long to a rebellious people, who walk in the way which is not good, following their own thoughts, a people who continually provoke Me to My face, offering sacrifices in gardens and burning incense on bricks".

Why would He do this? The only thing He gains is us in return. Romans 2:4 says, "or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" So His kindness is to draw us back to Him? We are His prize? Crazy. He counts us His gain. We are His glory. We are His hope.

Man, we have a Father in Heaven who is rich in mercy! And His love for us is great!! By great, I mean, beyond the expanse of what we could begin to imagine. And He's throwing it out to us, making it available all of the time. Boy do I want to be able to recognize it and learn to receive it. I want to be thankful. I want to understand it. I want to know the "length and width and height" (Ephesians 3:17-19). How would I walk in life if I knew this love, or if I believed in it, or even if I let it become a part of me? I want to, but I know I don't know it yet. My soul does not testify of it just yet. I struggle with it daily, momentarily..

"God, being rich in mercy.." God is rich by mercy. By mercy, God is rich..hmmm..

Ephesians 2:4-5a, "But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions.." I guess that's the farthest I can get today. Way more to come on these verses..

Bible Characters

2009-04-26T15:07:00.000-11:00

I don't know who I like better. Paul or Moses. I fall more and more in love with the way Paul wrote. He's had me laughing a couple times and definitely gets my mind rolling in thoughts of higher places. I'm jealous for third heaven encounters. But then there's Moses. He got to stand IN the glory cloud!!!

A Tale of Fireflies to Butterflies

2009-04-24T13:11:00.000-11:00

I went on a walk this morning that I felt the Lord told me to go on around a lake that sits just in front of a ministry not far from ours. I've never taken a walk around this lake before without anyone tangible so this felt like a brand new place. The further I walked the more different it seemed. The trees have grown, as well as leaves, grass, flowers, and other life without a gardener to take care of it. The only tender there was were gigantic bees and fireflies. Maybe hornets. I don't really know the difference. That's not the point. The thing is the one time I walked alone is the time I noticed there were chaotic, giant, flying buzzing beings that could move way faster than I am able to move. Being alone caused my mind to look around me and become more and more fearful of the scary stuff as that's all my mind could focus on. I have never noticed this many bees before, I have never seen fireflies. I thought about turning around, but decided to keep walking to my destination, straight there, and not let my fear keep me from whatever the Lord wanted me to encounter, and sure enough they didn't bother me. I kept my thoughts on this place I was headed and consecrated my mind into wonder of what the Lord would have for me. Finally, as these trees and bushes and random growth cleared out, I could see there was already someone sitting where I felt the Lord was leading me. I almost turned around again but I felt like He said to keep walking. My mind flooded with more thoughts than the water that was held in this lake I was walking around. My fear of man arose. But like He said, I kept walking. Maybe I was supposed to pray or prophecy over this person. Maybe this person just needed someone to talk to. When I was no more than 20 feet from this place the person got up and left. So it was open for my own dwelling. It was so crazy. So sure enough, I sat down and just started listening for the Lord. He brought me to several verses that I've crossed over since I've been here including "abide in me" from John 15 and "the Lord is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear?" in Psalm 27. It only made sense that when He had me sitting on this bench in a never ending beam of hot sunlight at the end of this journey of scary bees and fireflies that He would bring me on these verses, right? I mean, as I'm sitting there my flesh is burning, transforming into a different shade showing that I had been there, with the sun. It showed I had walked through all that I had feared, outside of the shade and coolness of the comfort of my own home and was now free from anything that was causing me to be afraid and telling me to turn around. Its so simple, but was so complex and questionable while He was leading me and trying to speak to my unresting mind about this. He was talking a lot once I finally calmed down and forgot about all that made me worry beforehand. I haven't had such a verbal conversation with Him in so long. It was like He was a person sitting there chatting with me about what was just happening the minutes prior. Anyways, after about an hour I felt released to leave but He told me to come back the same way I came. I felt a little more confident and joyful now that I had been with Him, and He had brought me through the journey already. I walked a little slower this time, and noticed no fireflies, but butterflies this time around. when I was about to the 20 foot mark from before, I turned around and there was already someone there in the place I had just been. It was crazy. I turned back around, and I saw an orange butterfly on a flower. It was flapping its wings back and forth, while resting and remaining on this flower. It was like it was winking at me, gathering, catching my attention. I stood in the midst of where these bees and fireflies were and watched this flower looking, winged being for who knows how long. It was beautiful, and brought my thoughts to higher places. I dared to think that this whole walk, all that was happening around me, was just for me. The shift at this bench between the two other people was just for me from the Lord, and the journey to and from was the Lord teaching me a walk, a way with Him. Then I doubted. Then He yelled at me from within and told me, "No, dare to believe. This is all for you. I called you out here at this very time so you could walk with me, rest with me, and talk with me. I made this for you. This happened just for you. Extremely dangerous, or just bees, this was a journey I wanted you to take with me to the refiner's fire for the transformation that comes from my dwelling within you. And now I have you here, with me, and this is where I've created you to be. It will always be this way. I will never leave." ...or something like that.

I don't know if you can read between the lines of the journey, but I feel great right now with the God of the universe, the Creator of everything, so near.

I can't even explain this journey except for exactly how it went. This is me sitting on my flesh, for all flesh is like grass and flowers-Isaiah 40, and releasing the beautiful message He gave to me, not to show where I've been, but for His glory. One day it will be perfected. Here's today's rough draft and quick thoughts. Go find your butterfly in place of the surrounding bees.

Simple. Sweet. Jesus.

Confidence.

2009-04-23T04:30:00.000-11:00

The Lord is able to keep me.

Quick Blog Resurrection.

2009-04-21T04:20:00.000-11:00

Well, I thought I didn't need a blog so I deleted my old account, but after the last couple of days I really realized how much I just love writing about how good the Lord is. So my blog has been resurrected. Not the actual old blog, so my other blog posts will not be here. Although, I know that you can do that somehow, so if anyone knows how, please let me know.

On a side note, can we just praise the Lord? He is so good. I love what He does to me when He releases His peace and joy to explode and rise up in side of me. Nothing in this world could replace the way He makes me feel. Absolutely nothing. Its a wonderful thing. He is the only thing that satisfies. When my world is crashing and everything is stripped out from under me, I can count on Him to be near and give me peace in the midst of it. I can count on Him to get me laughing and roling in joy. How can you explain this? Its a mystery. Christ inside. This truly is the hope of glory. He is so constant, never changing, and so faithful. Seriously, when EVERYTHING changes, I can run to Him and He literally is the same God I've always known. He may seem like He changes because He is so big that I can not even understand the greatness of Him and His love, and therefore its very exciting and surprising walking with Him in intimacy (which I found out means "to see into") as He reveals more and more of Himself to me slowly. So, intimacy and relationship with the Lord is pretty much the smartest choice I think I could make, as I thrive off adventure. This life is definitely the most fun and exciting and peaceful, even as it is constantly unknown while never moving.

I'm all wrapped up in the unchanging, extremely huge God we have inside of us right now. I'm sure there is way more coming once I find the words to put this slow discovery into. Its pretty crazy. I'm so glad I love Him.

Okay, I that's my rant this morning. :o) Worth a blog.